MidwichDan

The UK’s oldest person has recently died, at the age of 111. For the past seventeen minutes I’ve been racking my mind thinking of reasons to live so long, and other than free bus travel and being able to make normal things looks disgustingly ugly, here is what I have come up with.

‘I’m telling you Doris, I am going to die as palindromically as I can!’

I have received plenty of emails telling me how to deal with premature ejaculation – I suppose I shouldn’t have signed up to all of those self-help websites. If you’re like me, I’m sure the answer to this problem couldn’t come quickly enough. During my experimentation with various techniques, I have found the top ten methods for dealing with premature ejaculation. I also get to make up lots of euphemisms.

Everybody grows up, mostly. You know this because you’ve grown up, too. The gain in height and weight is usually accompanied with some sense of maturity or entitlement, or even wisdom. Yet here are five in-depth reasons why I do not want to grow up, based on a careful examination of my childhood achievements and misconceptions.

As much as he wanted to, Roger couldn’t keep it in any longer. It exploded from him, splashing out onto everyone who was present. Red-faced and breathing heavily from his outburst of excitement, he shook the Captain’s hand until it became limp.

“We shall not tolerate such use of language, Adolf! They are not human beings, they are Jewpig scum!”

Ten toy balloons, sitting on a line,

Ten toy balloons, sitting on a line,

And if one should pop, by this pin of mine,

There’ll be nine toy balloons, sitting on a line.

The Moustache Yeti is a largely undisturbed creature that resides in Desk Valley. Whilst out on a trip, this beast relished in the presence of our camera, and took it upon himself to show us how he spends his time. Here is my account of our meeting.