Dan Lewis

BodyTech

Science is steadily closing in on the final few percentiles of what is available to be known about the universe, and technology will surely catch up with organic biology before long. We have all heard the stories of extra computerised brain function, lossless digital communication and extra tools embedded in our bodies - but here are a few ideas that I feel could greatly help the human race technologically evolve in style and comfort. Perhaps some of these suggestions could even be passed on genetically, if nanobiotechnology ever gets around to playing havoc with the human genome.

The Creation of God

‘Now I’m sure you’re wondering why we’ve gathered you all in Supernatural Conference Room IV,’ announced a being in a supernova suit. ‘Today, we’re going to design a new product for the customer base. We want something special – something to beat that ‘Satan’ product developed by those bastards over at Evil Inc. and really wow the customers.’

Living to be Old

The UK's oldest person has recently died, at the age of 111. For the past seventeen minutes I've been racking my mind thinking of reasons to live so long, and other than free bus travel and being able to make normal things looks disgustingly ugly, here is what I have come up with. ‘I’m telling you Doris, I am going to die as palindromically as I can!’

Overcoming Premature Ejaculation

I have received plenty of emails telling me how to deal with premature ejaculation - I suppose I shouldn't have signed up to all of those self-help websites. If you're like me, I'm sure the answer to this problem couldn't come quickly enough. During my experimentation with various techniques, I have found the top ten methods for dealing with premature ejaculation. I also get to make up lots of euphemisms.

Five Reasons: (Not) Growing Up

Everybody grows up, mostly. You know this because you've grown up, too. The gain in height and weight is usually accompanied with some sense of maturity or entitlement, or even wisdom. Yet here are five in-depth reasons why I do not want to grow up, based on a careful examination of my childhood achievements and misconceptions.

Roger and the Innuendof the World

As much as he wanted to, Roger couldn't keep it in any longer. It exploded from him, splashing out onto everyone who was present. Red-faced and breathing heavily from his outburst of excitement, he shook the Captain's hand until it became limp.

Grandma Nazis

"We shall not tolerate such use of language, Adolf! They are not human beings, they are Jewpig scum!"

Balloons on a Line

Ten toy balloons, sitting on a line,

And if one should pop, by this pin of mine,

There'll be nine toy balloons, sitting on a line.

An Adventure with Moustache Yeti

The Moustache Yeti is a largely undisturbed creature that resides in Desk Valley. Whilst out on a trip, this beast relished in the presence of our camera, and took it upon himself to show us how he spends his time. Here is my account of our meeting.