I have received plenty of emails telling me how to deal with premature ejaculation – I suppose I shouldn’t have signed up to all of those self-help websites. If you’re like me, I’m sure the answer to this problem couldn’t come quickly enough. During my experimentation with various techniques, I have found the top ten methods for dealing with premature ejaculation. I also get to make up lots of euphemisms.

1. Get a fatal disease

This is quite a simple cause-and-effect scenario, where, hopefully, your symptoms will be severe enough to be such a distraction during sex that it will be difficult for you to find enough pleasure to orgasm. You may think that all the vomit and mucus will kill the mood, but in comparison to the incredibly awkward and relationship-ruining early spurt, you can see why this is a sought-after method. Besides, I know at least two girls (who incidentally share ownership of a cup) who would enjoy such an experience. An extra benefit is that you might get a few sympathy shags for your deathly disease, if you advertise in the right places (i.e. in the dark).

The main problem with this technique is that if you were to die during sex, the experience would definitely be ruined for your lover. Fortunately, you’ll be dead, and so won’t have to suffer the soul-crushing reassurances and knowledge that the only thing you can satisfy is your occasional thirst. Besides, what kind of horrible person would be mad at a dead man?

Tip: to find the right kind of disease, lick as many homeless people as you can, eat from popular fast food restaurants and find a home in a childrens’ ball pit/quarantine zone in a hospital.

2. Date someone with urogenital aplasia (without any genitals)

This will make sex difficult. Difficult sex will probably make it difficult to climax. It is likely that with this condition, your partner will be dead, making sex even more difficult. However, if you find the girl who is one in a billion, the thought of causing friction with a smoothie will most likely help in suppressing an attack of the eager pirates. Even if the contemplation of such a disgrace is not enough to hold back the ghost, the act itself might, due to the inevitable fire and subsequent pain.

Tip: avoid acclimatising to Barbie/Ken dolls at all costs.

3. Take Viagra

I don’t mean just one pill. Take as many king-size makers as you can get your hands on. Ground the little blue pills and bake a giant blue throbbing penis cake if you have to. Melt them down, dilute and carbonise them until you can beer bong the solution. Make viagravy and pour it all over your dinner, or straight into your mouth (lather, rinse, repeat if necessary). The purpose of such an unhealthy exercise is to almost literally open your mind. As all the blood threatens to make your manic member burst, it will drain the blood from your brain, causing you to hallucinate on a scale that first-time mushroom munchers could only dream of after scoffing their new favourite funghi.

Nothing is more of a turn off than watching your own body impulsively attempt to poke its favourite organ into the spiky cavern of horror and despair where you are certain there are seven-eyed gargantuan beasts who pull the strings of a 5”6’ puppet but actually have tiny little hammers with poisonous and rusty nails sticking out and want to take the sole eye of your trouser snake, and then realising that you are visualising the inside of your girlfriends genitals (or is it actually a random demigod who will smite you and the rest of humanity because you cannot control what her parents gave you in your downstairs region?) and this is kind of fucked up but it could be worse, you could be imagining her hanging by her own intestines while you slowly skin her from the toes upwards collecting the blood in a bucket below, and wait why are you even thinking about that? Your penis is nearly in the spiky cavern of horror and despair!

Tip:  your grandparents probably have a bucketful.

4. Wear condoms

At least four. If you can feel anything, you’ve lost the game, and your dignity. You can also exchange the condoms for a series of spikes.

5. Then apply lubricant

So much lube that tiny children could have a slip ‘n’ slide in the drippings. If anybody can get a good grip on your greasy Gary then you need to apply more.

6. Think about your grandmother

And make sure she is sitting in the corner. Ask her to give a running criticism. This might be a good time to ask if you can have some Viagra. Bonus points if she is naked (unless you’re into that).

7. Acquire a wooden penis

Kind of like the pirates’ fabled wooden leg, except the only limp you’ll get is a pimp limp, from having wood all the time. Very much unlike a pirate ship, as it will not contain any semen. It isn’t difficult to see the many benefits of having such an appendage. First, you are always ready for action. After a tired day at work, at your parent’s funeral, when asleep – it’s all good! Your woodpecker is constantly on guard, so you don’t have to be.

Second, there is no ejaculation, and therefore no premature ejaculation! Cleanup is as easy as polishing a doorknob, but twice as fun. Okay, perhaps not twice as fun. More on that later.

Third, if you get wooden balls as well as a wooden willy, you can make knocking noises as you strut around the town, alerting all the girls to your presence. Fawning and flirting will then commence, and you can single-handedly release the town from the shackles of sexual tension.

Fourth, broom handles come cheap, and are easily modified. You could even blasphemously carve the Virgin Mary into your timber limb.

Unfortunately, there are a few disadvantages to this method of controlling premature ejaculation, and as such, this is my least favourite technique. Here’s a quick list:

• You can’t feel anything
• Your permanent erection will be painfully obvious to everyone around you
• Your penis is now flammable
• Although you will not get STIs, you might get termites or woodlice
• It is not actually clear that people will sleep with you.

If you do go down this route, lube is recommended, as are a few coats of varnish, to avoid your oak poker being sanded down into a pencil.

Tip: learn to differentiate between screams of splinter pains and moans of ecstasy.

8. Avoid an erection

If you only have sex with a flaccid fellow, it is much more likely that you will be able to destroy your natural response to penetration. This step is dangerous, however. The act itself may be enough to give your helmet-headed soldier enough reason to stand to attention. If this happens, just keep concentrating on how unbelievably appalling you are in bed, and how nobody will ever really love you other than your mother, and that is only because she doesn’t know about your incredibly defective predicament. Once you have acquired an anxiety-sized silhouette of sweat around you, you are likely to be in a condition to continue with this step.

9.  Have sex in the dark

This way, you can pretend you are really having sex, when actually you are just replacing your dysfunctional penis with a consistently functional sex toy. You may have jizzed in your pants when you accidentally knocked elbows but there is no problem if you can successfully depress the light switch.

Tip: you can use the sawn-off broom handle from when you backed out of step 7 like the coward you are.

10. Sleep only with virgins

Preferably virgins not only to sex but also to human interaction in general. Even the ugliest girls will have some knowledge of how long a second lasts. The best place to find such creatures would be in the animal kingdom – although if this is not your cup of tea, there is still hope. Find someone who has been raised in the wild, trapped in a basement for most of their lives or a Catholic (just kidding).

You can lie about your sexual prowess, and say, ‘Oh babe, I’ve been awarded the “Best at Sex” award for the past ten years,’ and promptly dismiss any grunts or verbal diarrhoea that may utter from their language-less mouths. They might not understand, but it will make you feel better. And as the human tangle won’t take long, you can play the game many times. When a co-worker adds ‘…twice’ to the end of a sex-boast, you can say, if you choose to, ‘That’s nothing – I fucked a sheep/mangled human being/coma patient seventeen times in two hours.’

There you are, ten easy-to-follow steps for removing the pain and misery of premature ejaculation from your absurdly depressing life. Hope they helped!